Thursday, May 30, 2013

Watch as Troy Hayden magically turns a story about DPS drowning a man into a pro-MCSO fluff piece

How do you take a story that ought to be about the cops killing a man who can't swim by chasing him into a canal, where he drowns, and magically turn it into a fluffy PR piece celebrating the tough guy heroism of the MCSO?  With the power of television journalism, of course!  Get ready to take notes, all you cub reporters, because Troy Hayden is going to take you to school!

First, of course, gloss over the obvious fact that the man being chased had not been convicted of any crime.  Mention it quickly and move on.  If you can, use military-style language like "go on a mission" to describe your story and make sure to let your viewers know that you've got a real scoop -- a first and only look into how the MCSO dive team works.  How exciting, right?  No, this will not be an investigation into why DPS chased him into the canal and let him drown.

So, at no point entertain the notion that DPS may have some responsibility for the fact that the man is dead, his body submerged in the canal.  That's why you're able to even do this story, but remember, this is a thing that just happened.  There is no one to blame, certainly not the cops, right?  The MCSO dive team is here now, that's the story.

Move on into the "body" of the piece now (whoops, was that in poor taste?).  Show some tough guy speeches by the sheriffs.  Make sure to get them talking about their dedication to each other and getting each other out in one piece.  Now you'll want to demonstrate the technology being used.  Isn't it cool?


Now, dive with the team.  Become one with the team.  Merge your goals and outlook with that of the team.  You know, the way reporters that embed themselves with soldiers do.  There's a reason they let you come along, don't let them down now.  They're counting on you.

It's time now for the emotional release.  He was just a kid.  What a tragedy, right?  A tragedy in which absolutely no one is to blame.  No one.  Except maybe the victim.  Certainly not DPS and, by the way, isn't the MCSO dive team so, like, totally brave and stuff?  Talk to the appropriate authority to give him a chance to affirm again how tough and awesome the cops are.  Let him get some silly cookie-cutter tough guy quote in at the end while you cut away to the murky depths you filmed earlier.  Is this an analogy for something?  Maybe.  Or maybe it's just muddy water.

Finally, make sure to thank the police for letting you be their vehicle for covering up in plain sight the murder by DPS of a man who was not charged with any crime.  Was he a victim of the cops?  Of economic forces beyond his control?  Who cares, right?  You got some badass underwater footage.  Anyhow, say your piece now.

"I want to thank the members of the MCSO dive team for taking me along and helping me show you a little about how they do their jobs."

That'll do.  Nice job.

The end.  Cut to a dog water-skiing or something.

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